Saturday, January 31, 2009

these are the breaks...break it up, break it up, break it uuuuup

Man, almost 3 years in the game with my partner in crime and we call it quits.

Lord knows how much I can be in love and show it... For this time, I totally felt like me being who I am slowly destroyed who she truly was. I am so sad about this point because I am not here to hurt anyone yet I did so with such ease just being me. I feel terrible. I try not to even question why.

Starting over is the hardest thing. You know how your body's so agile and fluid when you're working out for years consistently. Then one day you fall off and you don't work out for like 4 months straight... maybe you get sick or something right? You gain wait, lose flexibility.. whatever the case may be. Then the challenge is.. "Can I get it back?" Like can you really get back in shape and get back out there and push yourself. This is how I feel about love and finding someone new. It's really effin hard. Do you really need someone new? Like what's the purpose? Then it's like aight, I do want to share this energy with someone, but then it's all the bullshit layers of previous heartbreak. I have to gather the pieces and put them together, recreate them into the precious emotional vase that was broken prior to me even stepping foot in the room. I gotta put it all back together and not break it...

My ex girl was precious. She was unique. She never lied. She never cheated. She worked out. She cooked. She cared. She always gave up the affection. She was considerate. She was always on time. She quit cigarettes a few weeks after I met her because I told her she was too beautiful to be slowly killing herself. She listened and totally quit. She listened to me always. She was focused. She wanted a family. She wanted the family with me. She encouraged me even though she had such a hard time with my past hip hop history due to the people I was around. She actually started believing in some sort of creative energy( A Godlike being ) after being with me. She was holding down everything here in NYC by herself. 100% independent.

Was I even prepared or as prepared as I really felt I've been? Am I even a good person? I was totally thinking of deleting my name from history as RAVAGE and keeping the name MeccaGodZilla and Ryu Black. RAVAGE means to destroy even though I totally flipped the meaning to be Restoring Artists Vision And Growth Everywhere! But maybe I still destroyed her. I feel like such a sucker.

I don't think I'm venturing back out into the field. I love to play hard... I just don't know if there is anyone I can trust that wants to play fair haha. The Hip Hop business fueled by these 48 Laws of Power sap suckers proved to me that people can and will lie to you right in the eye and smile and make you try to believe that sh*t. I know people do this everyday regardless if they're down with hip hop. But I'll never forget how bad the lies were and how convincingly some mother effin jerk tried to make me believe it!

Yo... I've dealt with this with some women in the past... Maybe they will tell some tiny white lies...maybe none at all and they'll be straight up.. shoot... I dropped the baton... for the most part with my ex.. I was accepted... and appreciated. Now I can think about how long it took me to sort through the madness of women out their to find that one really precious medal. I found my ex and then totally lost her. Just lost her in the mix. Just totally let go. Do I believe there is anyone else out there...? These breaks make room for something new right? right???

Sh@t! Now I'm thinking the future comes down to, will someone make fun of me and not take me serious because I am kind? I walk around with a lot of parents were kind..this is where I get it from. If you're from NYC you know this doesn't fly well with the make up of NYC. You can be kind for sure, and be the "kind" of meal niggas will eat up so fast and not think twice about sh*tting out later. I got kicked outta the ship early, with a virtuous sword, in shark infested waters. hehe.. A Sword of Virtue in the hand treading water in terrible waters, trying to make it to land but totally having to defend too, while swimming. Such a powerful weapon but how effective can it be in the deep blue sea when you are treading/swimming water at the same time. I have to get to land to rebuild the foundation...I have to hurry yo.

I will think about this for the longest time... I was meant to learn from this. This lesson probably didn't start hurting until I finished writing this blog today...

In japanese her name means Beautiful Child. I feel like I destroyed a beautiful child and for that... I will seek forgiveness. Aishteru beautiful child..

Enjoy the words and the groove of the below video.. I chopped up some sonic history to recreate it. This is what my soul sounds like. Maybe my vibe can bond again with another in the future.. until then...I'm gonna purify my mind and rebuild


Anonymous said...

Oh no Mike, I'm so sorry to hear about you and your girl. It really is effin hard, especially when you were with someone so special. From what I hear, she sounds like she's a true gem of a chick.

I hear ya, though. Who can you trust, right? Well, at least you have goals and plans for things you're working on outside of the whole love and relationship arena. That's what keeps me going. Fo'real. Hang in there. ;)

MeccaGodZilla said...

sista.. i appreciate...
my star is so pure... steph you are right!

let's hope our goals and plans steph can keep us going! :-)