Wednesday, February 4, 2009

hmmmm.. which way?

The greatest, are usually recognized after their prime.

I've seen this know history repeating....

Will I be remembered later on?

Am I even creating art to be remembered or am I just creating cuz I have no choice?

I think about my relationships, everyone's opinions, everything.
The city and the subways, the streets and the's all veins in this body...and the body has a spirit.

I'm 1 atom, or maybe 1 enzyme... a catalyst. I live to carry out, what all the tiny elements that make me up are forcing me to carry out. I have this impulsive urge to subsist but more so to create, or to build...within the system I am coursing through. Creating something makes me happiest. I wonder if people, all people feel this way...not to mention, are the things I am creating going to help me subsist later, am I just wasting time...

The potential energy is soooo so great, there are things limiting me from being kinetic ... these limitations I put on myself and I am paying for it dearly...I got the bungee chord attached and won't jump, not even realizing a nigga can fly...there's no need for the bungee chord...I mean i realize I can fly but I'm not even trying.. anyways.. I live to BUILD!!!!

Kinda like that cartoon where the carpenter bee is just nasty with that hammer...building off impulse...Anyways...
I am trying not to question the meaning, I am trying not to question the incredible signs. You know recently, this guy I had love for, was dead on his blog. He pulled the ill Norman Bates routine, pretending to be his mom, in addition to his brother, and close friend. AFter 7 days, he announced to the world he is alive. Mind you, I believed he was dead. A fan off myspace wrote to me and was like "RAV, is ARTIST A DEAD????...RAV i went to his page, there's a blog that I just can't believe, it says he's dead.. RAV is it true...??" So I ventured to the page and the writing is so genuine. I put the APB out in the real world, because we know myspace and the internet has this incredible atmosphere. There are so many different dimensions of information in it. I needed tangible evidence. I needed that real life proof yet I still believee, after what I read on the blog, that dude was dead.

I holla at some hip hop legends...graff legends that ARTIST A grew up with, because I was so concerned. After a week, the same fan wrote me back like "RAV, I don't want to cause any drama but check ARTIST A's blog." I check the blog and dude's alive.

He was lying.

I treat life very special. I actual love my friends. If there was an opportunity for us to grind together to live out dreams, I could see myself getting a house with all of them...We live each day, grinding to pay the bills, grinding to make sure there's enough food, grinding to make sure there's enough of everything so we can live, and create and grow...

Anyways.. that type of mentality will only work if, the egos are non existent. If the jealousy is non existent. If people genuinely love. I love blindly, I am a sucker for life and being here amongst everyone else, I strive not to be destroyed here.

Long story short, I got this great album I am finishing. The main artist on the album besides myself has cancer. Ovarian cancer. She wrote me yesterday and explained everything and the reason that she's having a tough time communicating. I actually don't push my friends I work with. I know that the shoes I walk are shoes no one else can fill, and vice versa. What is easy for me might be so hard for others and vice versa.

So like, she's sick, very very sick, I pray to the universe she is healthy...

Recently I met someone that I clicked with. I felt strongly that I love them already. The views we talk about are the same. We are aligned. I think about once we die, how the energy transfers. I know that people THINK they know what will happen, based on hearsay and based on studies, spiritual studies. But what do we as individuals really know, what can we really trust. I mean, I really thought this "friend" of mine was dead. What does this card come out sometimes, why does fate want to play a card like this. When it hits the table, what kind of energy is that letting out. What kind of signals is it giving to everyone else that is playing. Bluffs make me want to fight. I hate fighting. Can't stand it. I actually don't even yell anymore. Anyways, someone toying with death when others are struggling to live. My friend lost her child because of the cancer... that killed me...

Energy is neither created nor destroyed right? For all the people I love in this lifetime, will I get to be with them later on, after this body is gone. Will our energy stay aligned like it is now?

Going back to ARTIST A.. what a a$$hole. Seriously. Some of my friends might die, but this person toys with the idea on myspace.

Why is it, when I walk with a bop
that I'm detected by detectives
instant target for cops

on the train I might see an uncomfortable
face staring at me sooooo hard
they're trying to figure my ways

My dress code throwing them off
I'm on that hip hop shhhhhh
yes, they instantly turned off

I come from high top fades
and african medallions
8 ball jackets, crooks wildin
days of stop the violence

my long arms looking like a
monkey from what I was told or
damn he so black man
his skin look like coal

highly educated, trips to paris
at 10 years old
got a little bit older
fell in love with Nihon

but I stay coming back home
to stereotypes
before I was took black
now I'm acting too white

proper english, the magnet
for some of the attacks
but i never go bullied cuz
I was too ill for that...

they think they know
but they have no idea
what it takes for a warrior
to make it out here
sometimes, you gotta test your might
and other, other times you gotta
stand the test of time

I have so much to absorb right now.. I feel like I've lived more than 100 years already. I can feel everythng in me, I have to clear my mind and be happier... I am peaceful..but I am enduring
this social madness. I try not to even talk about this stuff... when people see me, I am smiling... and looking to have a great time for the moment. People will tell you I am always happy...

I am so curious how other people deal with this stuff. I know I am not the only one!

Anyways, I think this will be the last blog of this type. There is an incredible amount of opposition as I speak, for me being who I am. I can see the vision and see the steps clearly, that I am taking to overcome certain trials in my life. I know I will succeed. Appy Polly Lodges for all these random thoughts at 1 time. To me they are all coherent in 1 straight line haha. Yo... for now on, I'm not ranting about anything, because I don't like to talk about these things in person. I don't even mention them. Maybe to 1 or 2 people but not even in this extensive detail yo. I hope my actions will show and prove, God willing. I just want to know the truth.. i have to stop looking for it because word of mouth says it's really maybe I'll stop looking and seeking it...


Anonymous said...

"You know recently, this guy I had love for, was dead on his blog."

You see? That's just retarded right there. Psssh! It's the internets. And for a minute, I really thought your friend had died too. What a dumb, attention-starved loser.

And keep on with the creative stuff - do what you gotta do. ;)

MeccaGodZilla said...

yeah! this kat in Goodie Mob (good die mostly over BS) i think it was big gipp..said it best on the outkast album aquemini

it was something sooo simply put...
"Grown men don't beg for attention.. keep wishing..."

attention starved is so right.. it is so damn sad fam... I was supposed to write a tiny essay about how to survive on the internet world..
some of my peers that came home from prison got caught up in it..

I watch feelings get out of hand..because people are reading someone's comments, misinterpreting...catching feelings..getting emotional.. responding improperly, based of assumptions and not the reality..

the digital world.. jeezus.. very very dangerous..there's no boundaries and people get so lost in it... i actually stopped signing into myspace everyday.. i stopped spending hours on it...sometimes i miss it all but in reality, life is here...

thank u always steph..
You know right now my feelings are kinda sad and depressed.. tell me why this young lady at my job out of no where gave me

hahaha.. just cuz everyone knows i've been drawing spiderman since mad young! talk about the universe trying to help me balance.. her gesture helped a lot today

Anonymous said...

I love the pic - too funny. And yeah, it's the little things, isn't it? ;)