Monday, April 20, 2009

Dream to Tears

I went for a 3 mile run today. Got home, showered up, passed out... maybe cuz I just felt so isolated, I had nothing to do. While running, I kept thinking about her and my chest got soooo tight.. When I stress out these days, my heart starts to hurt, like burning, anxious style hurting, anxious to be impetuous and just like hop in the whip, drive to her house and ring the doorbell like come on yo..the bigger picture..let's look at it real fast.. please?!?!?!?!!?! I'm so impetuous it's crazy.. i like to try hard to create whatever reality i feel like it.. we only live once right!?

I didn't go though, I decided to pass out and dream.. my body started calming down, the phone ringing off the hook.. I didn't pick up, I went under, 20,000 leagues deep, into that dimension, that can be heaven at times.

I don't dream often, but I remember today. She normally has super white skin normally, my girl looks like a snow angel..sounds silly...but i dont mean it in a disrespectful way at all. Her skin, so soft, so white, so smooth..it's like milk..and i LOVE milk! well strawberry milk.. anyways.. in the dream.. everyting was the say...except her skin was super brown.. her lips outlined in white..and her eye liner white.. her hair..himm was it blonde and pink? with brown????
yeah! She was Garu Garu style.. but wasn't dressed with the Garu Garu gear.. she was just Garu Garu with skin and make up.. i grab her hand..and we went on another mission thru the city and life together.. we clearly new we weren't together..she mentioned dating Tony! Hey tony.. eff you by the way...haha NOT like he exists.. he was just the new guy, in the dream! but fuk him anyway! He's in my way! I eventually get her into the space I need to be in, alone, just us to. The Love still in her eyes.. i kiss her, and it felt great...she feels great still...I feel in her that she still loves me.. there is still hope.. is what i feel!

I wake up..it's not real.. the tears build up but I hold them in... fuk crying.. i wanna be impetuous but I can't do anything right now..

Sh*t!!!! I go to eat some food.. white rice & chinese dumplings.. i'm starving.. I was so stressed up my body shut down.. around hmmmmmmm 5pm? I missed sundown, I missed dinner, I missed pushups and more NBA playoffs on TV, I missed tracking out my music and writing rhymes... I missed reviewing my japanese homework for Thursday, and most importantly.. i just missed her.

Now my legs and shoulders are sore as hell from the run, my chest is starting to hurt..and i'm awake at like what.. 5:48AM without a pot to piss in. The universe gave me what i want.. I actually prayed for her to come into my life.. I prayed for her for hmmmmmmm 4 straight months, I meet her in October, she was at NYU.. i prayed everyday to see her again. NYU had a film festival, I went, she was there.. this was that following January... and bong.. she was mine.. she was single and she was mine! And so be it she was. 3 years later.. she's gone..and all I can do is think about the flowers or bonsai tree you don't take care of...they will die if you don't consciously take care of them!

now i have pictures.. i can't smell, I can't kiss, I can hold and hug or feel.. each time I think about this.. i get so sick to the stomach.. was my passion for art and music worth the price of losing something so precious. Maybe this feeling will push me to rock the mic harder! Right now.. i feel like i can level a house if i punched it hard enough...I keep thinking about all of the evil men out there.. God..i know too much info.. could you believe someone I knew, or thought I knew, made the front page news like 2 weeks ago..?? Anyways... I keep thinking about yo! if she finds someone else.. will he cheat on her, will he hit her, will he have an STD, will he mentally fuck up her head!

I don't want her to get hit by no stupid ass dude, I don't want her to catch an STD by a stupid ass dude!

I will stop for now...maybe if I put her pictures away I won't be so "stuck on stupid like i'm stuck on a map, no where to go except next show bro.." -Cappadonna-winter warz (iron man album by ghostface killah)

MnM.. i know you can feel me.. i know you can feel my energy reaching out to you.. i know you feel it...i hope you open your door again. Our Chemistry is and was incredible. Aishteru MnM.. you know this.. Aishteru

1 comment:

stephny1 said...

wow. what a great story - about how you 2 got together. :)

hang in there, bro. hugs.